Change

I have been told I have changed.....??

I dont think I have, I just believe that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.

Yes these last 3 days I have cried and cried but to be honest thats not the grief its just me having a few bad days. What I do best is "take to me bed" which means when I feel down I sleep and sleep and sleep...no easy feat with 2 kids.

Maybe its because I am laughing again, I do have the confidence that I had before I had 2 kids got fat and then lost my sister.

Its hard to explain but having children change your life completely, by that I mean its not about me anymore its about their welfare their happiness. 

I had a really bad time with my little boy, he nearly died during birth and I cherish him so much, then he was horrid he cried 24hrs a day, was poorly all the time and always sick. Even now he can come down with a mystery illness the doctors cant explain and he ends up in hospital on drips and things, its hard going but he always pulls through. The girl is great extremely clever and has a wicked sense of humour no worries there about her.

Sometimes I just feel I am being pulled in all these directions and one day something is going to snap. The kids are wonderful and I wouldnt be without them but I am me now not just so and so's mum. My husband is pulling me into a life of domestic goddess and thats not me I left home not knowing how to iron clothes or use a washing machine....should of seen the early signs with his OCD. At work I cant have a bad day, barmaids are there for everyones elses problems we as professionals cant have a little cry in the toilets or be moody always got to be smiling and laughing. Then theres my friends that want so much of me when I just want to hide away from it all. My mum is different all she wants to do is bring every conversation around to Emma, and I love my sister dearly but I just dont even want to ring my mum nowadays because of that.

My best friend has MS and has got cancer too, I am trying my hardest to help her take her to treatment and be as supportive as possible but I just find it hard to talk and be reassuring when I am scared to death she is going to die too.

I have just seen so much heart-ache this last 18mths that I want to have fun and laugh again and I am and then wham....a panic attack whilst I am driving that sets me back weeks because I am then scared to go out.

What I am trying to say is that I am living my life to the full because you dont know whats around the corner....depending on what you call full....I arent jumping out of aeroplanes or anything like that but I am grabbing every moment of fun and smiles as I can. The kids dont need to grow up in a house of sorrow and morbidness they need laughter and silly mummy back. There is a difference between being a responsible parent and an irresponsible...yes I do dance round the kitchen, yes I do have the odd drink but not to the point where my children are in any danger.

Apparently I have changed for the bad but I think thats other peoples needs not mine. Yes I am acting like a 17yr old but so what I work, I pay the bills the children are clean well fed and homework done, I am here every night to tuck them into bed, I arent out clubbing and being a dick I am just being me and people seem to have forgot who I was before x

It is true, Time

Well I have finally done all them firsts.

1st christmas, heart-breaking for my mum but we were all there.

1st New-Year, this hit me hard, Emma loved to party and new year was her favourite night of the year, once it got to the count-down my emotions just over-whelmed me and I sobbed like a baby, It came from no where and I just hope not all new years are going to be like that. Part of me feels like it was relief that the worst year of my life was over.

My 30th Birthday Party, I was extremely selfish and said that it was my night not Emmas.......bad I know but I am here and she isnt, its my birthday and my party and I did not want it spoiling I wanted to have fun without feeling guilty.

Emmas Birthday.....This was a lovely day, the whole family went to the beach and had lots of fun. The kids were fab and my daughter made a "sand emma" and wrote a message that said "happy birthday aunty emma, we miss lots, love Rosie" it choked my mum up a bit and when it was time to leave my mum couldnt say good-bye to it. The kids all let off balloons that said happy birthday and we all ate cake....some people think it is bizarre but not us, the kids told us what they wanted to do and we followed.

1st Anniversary.....I went to my mums, I purposely never told the kids and sent them to school as usual....how stupid am I?? Rosie burst into tears at school......At mums there was my mum, sister, brother, dad and Emmas 2 best friends...we all sat and had a natter then went out for lunch. I tried to keep the day as normal as possible and still went to work that evening....but thats me....most people dont even know the shit and crap I deal with on a daily basis just to get myself out of bed. Now this is the weird thing, I felt everything was fine then on the anniversary of the funeral I was in pieces, I really did not expect that and it goes to show that anything can set you off. 

It is true what they say that time does heal, I do believe that it helps but I also dont think anyone saying you will get over it because I hand on heart do not believe you will. With the experience I have had and its not that dissimilar to other people that have lost loved ones to suicide. How can I ever get my head around the fact she sat there on her own and wrote letters knowing she was going to go outside and hang herself, I just cannot believe that she sat there and did that, I know she did I have seen the letters, held them in my hands and checked and double checked the hand-writing. How could she then go outside and tie that piece of rope around her neck and just go?? It is something that cuts me up everyday and hurts like mad. I just wish everyday I had that last chance to say I love you, I am always here for you no matter how hard things are.....but thats never going to happen xxx

Nearly a Year on........

So its been nearly a year since my baby sister took her own life.

In fact it is a year to the day since I last saw her alive, its strange I can just picture her stood in my mums kitchen with a face on......it was a fluke that I saw her that day, I had darts finals night and had to go because our team had won the league, mum had bought tickets for us all to go to dancing on ice the tour and James was going in my place. Unfortunately James was rushed to hospital and Emma took his place....so my two gorgeous children managed to spend a wonderful night with their Aunty Emma which is a great memory for them.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life now and finally getting over this horrible mess, I know at any point I will be knocked side-ways but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. My nanna has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and yes that has thrown me but as usual I dust myself down and pick myself up again.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of my sister but the tears are not as often although when they come they hurt just the same.

Its nearly 6mths since I last wrote my blog and thats testament to the recovery I am making.

GOD BLESS YOU XXXX 

Tears

Sometimes my tears flow and wont stop, then others they don't come at all almost like I have used them all up.


I can now manage a week without tears then suddenly something will be a trigger and that's it I am like a blubbering baby.
We were away for the weekend in our caravan, we love it.....there was a big group of us about 20 and within each little family unit everyone of us had experienced grief, Vicky had lost her dad, Helen's mum has terminal cancer so already Helen is grieving Steve also lost his sister. 
We all respect each others need for either privacy or a hug, but this one particular day I just needed air.
As a group we all decided to go to Filey for breakfast, not a problem, its where I went on seaside holidays as a kid and we visit there at least 6 times a year.....I enjoyed my full english and then went to the loo......OMG in the toilet in a frame was a poem which was read out at Emma's funeral.....how bizarre is that....I immediately went outside for a fag and a deep breath, as I told Helen what was wrong she asked how I felt, and my first thought was I cant go fucking anywhere without it jumping up and slapping me in the face. and then I laughed.
See people think I am weird how I can discuss all this without crying and actually sometime laughing about it. Thats me I am a bit sick in the head but if humour doesn't get me through it all then nothing will. Slowly I am getting there, the days of wanting to stay in bed and not talk to anyone are gone...not to say they wont jump on me every now and again.
Christmas will be hard, but already I am chuckling about it......We are all going to my mums house for dinner so there will be 12 of us, all seated in mums garage for dinner...now mum has already said she doesnt want to leave Emma out and is putting her under the tree....this has really tickled me because the funeral director put Emmas ashes in a like gift bag....obviously in an urn but yeah in a gift bag so when mum walked down the street it was discreet, so I have told mum that shes gonna have to take Emma out of that bag or one of the kids will open it thinking its a gift. My elder sister is rather scared of stuff like that so mum is not telling her that Emma is coming into the garage while we eat dinner either. I personally think its funny, others might think it weird but if its mums way of getting through the 1st ever christmas without Emma then she can do what she wants I know there will be tears once we have all left but if we can make part of the day bareable for her then its our duty.

Winning the Lottery

Spoke to my mum today on the phone, it is quite a regular occurrence, and as usual we got talking about Emma.
I dont mind, sometimes I want to shout "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME!" maybe that is me being selfish, but along with Emma my mum also has me, my elder sister and younger brother, along with four gorgeous grand-kids.
I was saying how I need to win the lottery and my mum said she really didnt ever want to win it.
I found that such a bizarre thing to say but then she explained it was because she would always wonder if she had won it earlier would Emma still be here?
At first I was a little perplexed by this comment because everybody wants to win the lottery, I know money doesnt buy happiness but it bloody well helps.
But then it was like the question I was asked at the doctors the other day, I went due to bloatedness and all that guff and I asked to be put on the waiting list to be sterilised. The doctor asked me did I want anymore children and if not why?
So I explained that I could not bare to bring another child into this world knowing that they would never meet their Aunty Emma and not benefit from all the love she shared between her niece and three nephews.  
I have also been told I may have cysts on my ovaries due to the contraception I use so I now have to find another form of contraception and hope the cysts disappear, if not its hospital job for me :(
But certain questions make you take stock of your life, I was asked would I move back to my old town of Easingwold. The clear answer is NO!! yes all my family are there but do I really want to bring my children up in a place that is so full of prejudice 3 people took their own lives in the space of a month, and the bottom line with that is because they didnt fit in. I was lucky, I did sort of "fit in" I had a gob and I didnt care if people laughed, they either got used to me or got f****d. But I arent inflicting that on my kids, its bad enough now for them. My 7yr old daughter plays dolls with her best friend who is 9yrs old....But when they play out they have to pretend they dont play dolls or teachers or mums and dads and all they were doing was listening to music or playing on the laptop.......society is wrong and it scares the shit out of me.....I worry every day now about people I know.....I get gut feelings and have to txt and ring round making sure everyone and everything is ok.....really all I am trying to say is I want some normality...and does that exist now??? 

what the inquest was really like

So we had the inquest, it was very surreal, firstly waiting to go in having a fag and taking lots of deep breaths we see another family from Easingwold....unfortunately 3 weeks previous to Emma taking her life another man from the town took his own life and well his family walked out.....we all knew why we were there but still words stuck in my throat, and i took the cowards way out and turned my back rather than speak.
So we get ushered into the waiting area, 2 lovely sea blue leather sofas....mmmmmmm nice, so i made some lame joke about how nice they were....but thats just me humour to hide my turmoil.
We were all there the family and my husband who came for support and well he genuinely loved Emma, then there was Hannah, she was the last to see Emma before she died with her and Emmas boss michael. And sat in the corner weeping and carrying on was Emmas girlfriend and her nanna.
The lady assisting the coroner came out and explained that my mum couldnt read her statement, so I made some comment about it being her legal right, it didnt go down well, and she was chatting away to my mum and another family walked out of the court room. 2days after Emma died an old bloke shot himself, he was riddled with cancer and couldnt face life anymore, it was so tragic, he also lived in Easingwold.
You would of thought with Easingwold being such a small market town where everyone knows your business that they would of put some thought into the timings of the inquests so there were no embarrassment on anyones part or awkwardness.
The lady then took Hannah, Micheal, the girlfriend and her nanna in, then came out for us.....suddenly we were faced with them on one side of the court room and us on the other, very them and us....very unfair and uncomfortable. Surely they knew from telephone calls and interviews that there was ill feeling between the family and the girlfriend.
So the room was like a court room, 3 journalists were sat there pen in hand poised to take notes, It opened with all the exepected stuff, Emmas full name, address, date of birth, date of death, description of time etc etc etc.
Hannah was called 1st and was so brave, she faced the girlfriend and told her exactly what Emma had said that night....that she needed a break from her, she was being suffocated and that everytime she tried to break up with her the girlfriend threatened to kill herself.
Now for Hannah to do that is amazing, she is so brave because the girlfriend had pulled a knife on her the week before and threatened her and said if she said owt bad at the inquest she would kill her...so brave.
Then it was the girlfriends turn, she sobbed, wailed and basically made a show of herself...we were allowed to ask her questions and I asked her about the drugs she supposedly found in Emmas flat after Emma died.
The coroner produced the photographs of the flat and proved she lied.
She also lied about other stuff and Hannah at one point shouted "fucking lying bitch"
A reporter had fallen asleep but he soon woke up in the fracas of me shouting and the girlfriend shouting back, I also shouted at the coroner......but I got what i want for my mum, proof that she had lied to us, the police and the coroners office....thats all i wanted.
Now its 2 weeks after I am regretting not asking what was on her facebook that my sister was logged into 2hrs before her death that might of tipped my happy little sister over the edge.....but the lying bit was far more important at the time.
My mum then got up and was questioned, but he was lovely with her, really kind.
The verdict was killed herself, I know that no matter what happens now the verdict cannot be changed, but if only they had investigated further our minds would be a little bit more peaceful.
But no matter what my life is going to be full of questions.......
The press did report the inquest, but got it wrong, i told them it was wrong but no apology as of yet, we will see if theres one forthcoming but i doubt it.
They quoted Emmas suicide letter, but it was never read out, and also recorded a verdict of suicide which was wrong too.
I commented on this fact in the paper, and got abuse for it. Nice
HERES THE LINK http://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/9243594.Woman__26__found_hanging_at_pub/

The Inquest

You know I cant even think about typing about it right now...all the bravado has been sucked right out of me, i am just sat here sobbing like a baby, I've got snot running down my face, make-up all over and my chest hurts so much.....I cant handle this, I was warned but I really didnt think it would affect me like this at all...I thought I was made of stronger stuff, obviously not :(

I think its the thats it now mentality and fucking closure....I hate that word...Now Emma is just gonna be archived somewhere and thats it....its fucking shit, shes just there with birth certificate, death certificate and thats it.

I just want her back, I want her here taking the piss out of me, playing with the kids, nicking my fags and James' beers...seeing her odd socks, watching her with amazement when she puts six sugars in her brew, moaning like shite coz I have made her get up and take the kids to school.

I just want someone to tell me it wont hurt like this everyday, that time really is a healer and all the clique bullshit that goes along with death.

Changing Emotions

Some days I am calm about it all, I have come to accept that it was choice taken out of my hands, and other days I am so angry it makes my blood boil.
On the good days I can laugh and even selfishly think well you know she chose to do it and if shes not here to enjoy life then thats her own fault. On the bad days I cry and sob and just want her back.
Things havent been easy and I have been accused of blaming Emmas girlfriend for Emmas death. Sometimes on good days I think I am just looking for someone to blame and stop myself and feel sympathy for her girlfriend, and then I find something else out about the girlfriend and it makes my blood boil and I want her dead and not Emma. Here is a snippet of what I have had to put up with since Emma passed and please tell me if I am wrong in feeling anger..obviously I havent named her girlfriend but you will get the gist.....

• Ok so here goes, firstly emma took her own life she wasnt murdered, she hadnt taken a drug overdose either, emma wasnt addicted to heroin or coke, the blood results from the police indicate yes on the night emma died that she had drunk quite a bit of booze, took a bit of coke but not enough to warrant it being an "issue" basically from tox they say she was a recreational user, not an addict as *****  is trying to say.
• £200 of emmas is missing from the flat, she withdrew it on the monday and took her life on the monday night/tuesday morning.....also missing is emmas money tins, baccy, and her purse was bone dry, now we all know that if you go out your left with copper and some shite in your purse, now ***** is claiming emma spent the £200 on drugs FALSE!! and if so why is ***** now begging emmas friends for money to pay a drug debt?
• Emma was on facebook at 1am logged into ***** account, why hasnt ***** surrendered her laptop to police? what was on ***** facebook to maybe tip Emma over the edge?
• ***** has told my mum and aisha that she removed drugs and bits of clingfilm from the flat to save my mum the upset, this is all false too, the police have made a point of doing statements to prove there were no drugs in the flat and also took photographs.....***** emailed aisha that and she is quite prepared to copy and paste it to anyone that disbelieves anything we are saying.
• ####  apprently got hold of ***** on the day of the funeral and threatened her, thats a lie too as #### was with us the whole time, also #### never got hold of her on the saturday after the funeral because he was out all night fishing.
• ***** accessed emmas facebook account and was messaging emmas friends within a few hours of finding out about emmas death from emmas account...she also was accepting friend requests off people that emma hated and liking my status's from emmas account..also i noticed several inbox messages missing, they had been deleted why? when ***** was tackled and asked not to go on emmas facebook she carried on and when i confronted her she managed to get her dad to have a go and twist it all round on me....i have access to emmas account now and i am finding friend requests off ***** friend who know emma has died...now thats fucked up!!!
• my mum cleared EMMAS flat, yes it was only emmas flat asap after emmas death, and ***** messaged me within an hour of getting her own stuff back to complain of things missing....my mum gave her everything that was hers and bits of emmas....she got more than enough.
• I asked for emmas chain back not out of malice but because regardless what has happened it was emmas every photo i have she is wearing it....it wasnt ***** to have.
• my family have not ignored ***** one bit infact i was messaging her last week as was james talking to her on her status, so that is bull.
• ***** has refused to let my mum see the letter emma left her, but has showed most of easingwold it.
• at the funeral ***** stood at the bar slagging my mum off about stuff in the flat but didnt realise my uncle paul was stood there in ear shot.
• At the funeral we asked ***** to join us following emmas coffin in, she never and made a grand entrance and exit of her own.
• Emma was taking m-kat bollox bollox bollox

Emma was in debt upto her eye balls not true she paid all her bills and rent on time.

now i havent done this lightly but i just cannot cope with the bull shit and lies anymore, as i said emma wasnt an angel but to blatantly lie when shes not here to defend herself then it is wrong, and i also believe if emma was here now to witness all this a certain someone would of kicking big style, myself and my family have tried to carry out emmas wishes and be kind to someone but unfortunately it has back fired and we have realised our first instincts are correct and we should of kicked someone into touch the day emma died.

This was written 6 weeks after my sisters death........its now 13 weeks after her death and well it gets worse, I am just so angry...I could seriously do time for this girl !

Rainbows

Well today is classed as a good day.
Me the kids and James went to the forbidden corner and it was great, really enjoyed it.....on the way back we decided to drive through my old childhood hometown of Thirsk, I suggested we got out and have a mooch about, all was going great until we decided to have fish and chips....they are the best from Thirsk.
Just outside the chippy deciding what to buy when someone shouts "claire" I turned round and this woman came striding over....I couldnt place her...she put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze and explained she knew Emma.....well unfortuantely I was really rude to her, not because I wanted to be but because so far I had managed to laugh and enjoy the day then this stranger comes over and makes this dark cloud descend over me once more. Luckily for me she took the hint and then a man walking into the chippy tripped on the step and fell and I had to walk away because I was laughing so much.
But then is this worse....eating fish and chips in the middle with the kids and my Uncle Mark and Aunty Claire walk past, just a hello and no inquiry how any of us are doing...I wanted to scream "she was your niece!" Twats!!
Afterwards we went to my mums in Easingwold, this was my real childhood home, sharing and swapping bedrooms was a weekly occurance....mostly nobody wanted to share with me lol. Dad has flagged and gravelled his little front garden and we are turning it into Emmas garden for the kids to plant pots up....I am going to get some spring flowering bulbs for it. I have already got some solar lights and a windmill.
Mum was busy making an Eton Mess for her pudding so me james and the kids scoffed what was left we had a brew then I went upstairs with mum. She showed me some things she had kept of Emmas and also Emmas ashes, I am thinking maybe to bring them home for a while...she always enjoyed stopping here.
Harvey was firing lots of questions to me and my mum about Emma and well it was nice.
In the car on the way back I felt a little teary but then 2 rainbows appeared and the kids were mesmerized....so was I to be honest with you...and instead of tears a smile crept on my face and I thought, thank-you Emma it was just what we needed to see a little beauty and a little magic.
Thank-you Emma xxxx

The Guilt

Ok so everyday I wake up and for that lovely time between not quite being awake and not quite being asleep, where you body feels the heaviest, you feel snug and warm and everywhere is still...well thats my favourite time of day....no guilt.
 I can forget my sister is dead, I can forget I wasnt the big sister I was supposed to be and I can forget the guilt that follows me like a dark cloud.
Of course I have the guilt of not being able to help, not being able to offer an ear or shoulder. I have the guilt of not ringing on her birthday 4 days previous I just sent a text, I feel guilty for been so wrapped up in my own life and kids not to have noticed....but was there anything to notice??
She was doing great......had a lovely 1 bedroom apartment, it was lush I would of lived there, she had a good job, one she finally felt settled in, her employers loved her, the customers loved her, she had just passed her personal liquor license and was doing so great...she had a girlfriend....so to everyone on the outside she was happy....its only since shes gone that we have found out maybe the girlfriend wasnt so great...so I feel guilt for not acting on my first instinct over a year ago and saying to Emma "look I arent happy with your choice of girlfriend, shes a skank, a druggy, a dirty little scrote" but I never because you seemed happy and who was I to tell you at 25 years old that she wasnt good enough for you.
Its the other guilt thats hurting most at the moment....the guilt of getting on with my life and being able to laugh at a joke, enjoy a day out with the kids, but at the end of everyday I sob myself to sleep.....its the nightmares that are worst, I picture you writing those letters then doing what you did, all alone....you were so strong to do that..but then part of me wants to grab you and shake you and say look at what you have done to us all. I havent told the kids, Emma had an accident as far as they are concerned, how can I tell them that they werent enough to keep her going?
I have recently lost a friend to cancer, he was only young, he had 2 kids and a lovely wife and I feel guilty mourning the loss of my sister when she chose to do it....my friend never chose to die, he would of stayed here if he could of done.....my friends who have lost siblings in accidents how can I ask them for a shoulder to cry on when they know what Emma did.....Their own sisters/brothers never asked to die, never commited suicide they either died of an illness or an accident...how can I cry and pour out my feelings about someone that had a choice?
Thats the worst guilt.......the hiding of my feelings because I dont want people to judge me and then say "well she didnt have to die did she?" No she didnt and god I wish she hadnt.
I dont want to shout at my husband when I feel shit, I dont want to shout at the kids either but I cant help it, thats part of the guilt I feel too....why cant I just get on with things......?

Hello

Hello everyone
11 weeks ago my gorgeous little sister took her own life, I am still struggling everyday with this and think writing it all down will hopefully help me come to terms with it all.


27th may 1985
I don’t really remember much of this time, except my elder sister Aisha and I were staying ay my nans house and my mum arrived by with my uncle Michael and a little bundle of joy named emma.
She was a tiny dot and caused us nothing but hassle, or hassle as we saw it, we had to stay at nans for over a week because she kept stopping breathing and turning blue so mum didn’t want to be on her own with her. Emmas dad had done a bunk when mum explained she was pregnant, Aisha and I had a different dad but he did clear off when I was six weeks old.

Fast forward 26 years and 4 days.....



Tuesday 31st may 2011

I awoke with that tired feeling, knowing I had to get up, so much to do today and so little time. It was 8.30am when I opened my eyes, we had just got back from a fantastic weekend away in our caravan with our friends. I had so much washing to do, the caravan to clean ready for our next holiday in august and I also had to get the kids up and dressed before 9.15am. I had to go into town to pay money into my bank account, I had a direct debit coming out on the 1st and not enough money in to cover it, my plan of action was to drive into town early because after 10am it’s a pedestrian zone and I would have to bus it otherwise.
Downstairs I wandered, roll a ciggie put the kettle on and was waiting for it to boil when my mobile went off. Thinking it was james I went to answer it and realised it was a number I didn’t recognise….this wasn’t an issue as my phone played up and I had lost all my contacts.
“hello” “please tell me its not true, please tell me its not true” a voice screeched down the phone followed by lots of screaming. Confused I didn’t know who it was or what to do. “who is it and what are you on about?” “its loz and my nanna said theres loads of police and ambulances behind the commercial and emmas killed herself” “calm down loz your not making sense have you spoke to my mum?” “your mums mobile is off and I don’t think she knows” “where are you?” “im with my aunty” “ok I will ring you back”
With that I hung up the phone and began to shake, loz was my sisters girlfriend and this seemed very bizarre. I then made one of the worst phone calls of my life.
“hiya mum its only me erm have you heard off loz or emma?” “no why” “well I have just had loz on the phone hysterical saying emmas killed herself and well I don’t know what to do?” “no never not emma, well I am telling you now if shes making it up as some sick joke I will personally kick her head in” “mum I don’t know what to do are you gonna go and walk down and see?” “I will ring emmas phone and get back to you, you ring the pub and see if you can find out”
I was physically shaking now and cold, my hands wouldn’t do as they were told I got online and looked the pubs phone number up, tentatively I dialled the number “hello the commercial” “hi can you help me is there loads of police and ambulances round the back?” “yeah why?” “oh god, my names Claire and I am emmas sister I am stuck in York and have heard rumours emmas done something is it true?” “look I cant say the police have said I cant say” “please I am her sister I live 20 miles away if its my sister I have a right to know!” “hey im just the chef, I have been told to go home for the day, I am really sorry I arent allowed to say” “please” “all I can say is that I am so sorry”
With that I hung up the phone and called my mum back “hello” “mum it is emma” I then went on to describe my phone call to her, she still didn’t believe it, I told her I would get there as soon as I could.
My two bundles of joy appeared in the living room full of sunshine and happiness I had to go in the garden to phone my husband, I still to this day don’t remember the convesation just the scream that left my lips and the trembling as my whole body shook. I threw on some clothes not brushing my hair, teeth or applying deoderant.
As soon as james came in I went to say good-bye to the kids, lying and saying I had a hospital appointment.
The car journey seemed to take forever, every light was on red, I phoned my mum again to tell her I was on my way “the police have pulled up Claire! I cant answer the door, I cant do it help me” that phrase will play over and over in my mind forever.