Sometimes my tears flow and wont stop, then others they don't come at all almost like I have used them all up.
I can now manage a week without tears then suddenly something will be a trigger and that's it I am like a blubbering baby.
We were away for the weekend in our caravan, we love it.....there was a big group of us about 20 and within each little family unit everyone of us had experienced grief, Vicky had lost her dad, Helen's mum has terminal cancer so already Helen is grieving Steve also lost his sister.
We all respect each others need for either privacy or a hug, but this one particular day I just needed air.
As a group we all decided to go to Filey for breakfast, not a problem, its where I went on seaside holidays as a kid and we visit there at least 6 times a year.....I enjoyed my full english and then went to the loo......OMG in the toilet in a frame was a poem which was read out at Emma's funeral.....how bizarre is that....I immediately went outside for a fag and a deep breath, as I told Helen what was wrong she asked how I felt, and my first thought was I cant go fucking anywhere without it jumping up and slapping me in the face. and then I laughed.
See people think I am weird how I can discuss all this without crying and actually sometime laughing about it. Thats me I am a bit sick in the head but if humour doesn't get me through it all then nothing will. Slowly I am getting there, the days of wanting to stay in bed and not talk to anyone are gone...not to say they wont jump on me every now and again.
Christmas will be hard, but already I am chuckling about it......We are all going to my mums house for dinner so there will be 12 of us, all seated in mums garage for dinner...now mum has already said she doesnt want to leave Emma out and is putting her under the tree....this has really tickled me because the funeral director put Emmas ashes in a like gift bag....obviously in an urn but yeah in a gift bag so when mum walked down the street it was discreet, so I have told mum that shes gonna have to take Emma out of that bag or one of the kids will open it thinking its a gift. My elder sister is rather scared of stuff like that so mum is not telling her that Emma is coming into the garage while we eat dinner either. I personally think its funny, others might think it weird but if its mums way of getting through the 1st ever christmas without Emma then she can do what she wants I know there will be tears once we have all left but if we can make part of the day bareable for her then its our duty.
I can now manage a week without tears then suddenly something will be a trigger and that's it I am like a blubbering baby.
We were away for the weekend in our caravan, we love it.....there was a big group of us about 20 and within each little family unit everyone of us had experienced grief, Vicky had lost her dad, Helen's mum has terminal cancer so already Helen is grieving Steve also lost his sister.
We all respect each others need for either privacy or a hug, but this one particular day I just needed air.
As a group we all decided to go to Filey for breakfast, not a problem, its where I went on seaside holidays as a kid and we visit there at least 6 times a year.....I enjoyed my full english and then went to the loo......OMG in the toilet in a frame was a poem which was read out at Emma's funeral.....how bizarre is that....I immediately went outside for a fag and a deep breath, as I told Helen what was wrong she asked how I felt, and my first thought was I cant go fucking anywhere without it jumping up and slapping me in the face. and then I laughed.
See people think I am weird how I can discuss all this without crying and actually sometime laughing about it. Thats me I am a bit sick in the head but if humour doesn't get me through it all then nothing will. Slowly I am getting there, the days of wanting to stay in bed and not talk to anyone are gone...not to say they wont jump on me every now and again.
Christmas will be hard, but already I am chuckling about it......We are all going to my mums house for dinner so there will be 12 of us, all seated in mums garage for dinner...now mum has already said she doesnt want to leave Emma out and is putting her under the tree....this has really tickled me because the funeral director put Emmas ashes in a like gift bag....obviously in an urn but yeah in a gift bag so when mum walked down the street it was discreet, so I have told mum that shes gonna have to take Emma out of that bag or one of the kids will open it thinking its a gift. My elder sister is rather scared of stuff like that so mum is not telling her that Emma is coming into the garage while we eat dinner either. I personally think its funny, others might think it weird but if its mums way of getting through the 1st ever christmas without Emma then she can do what she wants I know there will be tears once we have all left but if we can make part of the day bareable for her then its our duty.
