Change

I have been told I have changed.....??

I dont think I have, I just believe that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.

Yes these last 3 days I have cried and cried but to be honest thats not the grief its just me having a few bad days. What I do best is "take to me bed" which means when I feel down I sleep and sleep and sleep...no easy feat with 2 kids.

Maybe its because I am laughing again, I do have the confidence that I had before I had 2 kids got fat and then lost my sister.

Its hard to explain but having children change your life completely, by that I mean its not about me anymore its about their welfare their happiness. 

I had a really bad time with my little boy, he nearly died during birth and I cherish him so much, then he was horrid he cried 24hrs a day, was poorly all the time and always sick. Even now he can come down with a mystery illness the doctors cant explain and he ends up in hospital on drips and things, its hard going but he always pulls through. The girl is great extremely clever and has a wicked sense of humour no worries there about her.

Sometimes I just feel I am being pulled in all these directions and one day something is going to snap. The kids are wonderful and I wouldnt be without them but I am me now not just so and so's mum. My husband is pulling me into a life of domestic goddess and thats not me I left home not knowing how to iron clothes or use a washing machine....should of seen the early signs with his OCD. At work I cant have a bad day, barmaids are there for everyones elses problems we as professionals cant have a little cry in the toilets or be moody always got to be smiling and laughing. Then theres my friends that want so much of me when I just want to hide away from it all. My mum is different all she wants to do is bring every conversation around to Emma, and I love my sister dearly but I just dont even want to ring my mum nowadays because of that.

My best friend has MS and has got cancer too, I am trying my hardest to help her take her to treatment and be as supportive as possible but I just find it hard to talk and be reassuring when I am scared to death she is going to die too.

I have just seen so much heart-ache this last 18mths that I want to have fun and laugh again and I am and then wham....a panic attack whilst I am driving that sets me back weeks because I am then scared to go out.

What I am trying to say is that I am living my life to the full because you dont know whats around the corner....depending on what you call full....I arent jumping out of aeroplanes or anything like that but I am grabbing every moment of fun and smiles as I can. The kids dont need to grow up in a house of sorrow and morbidness they need laughter and silly mummy back. There is a difference between being a responsible parent and an irresponsible...yes I do dance round the kitchen, yes I do have the odd drink but not to the point where my children are in any danger.

Apparently I have changed for the bad but I think thats other peoples needs not mine. Yes I am acting like a 17yr old but so what I work, I pay the bills the children are clean well fed and homework done, I am here every night to tuck them into bed, I arent out clubbing and being a dick I am just being me and people seem to have forgot who I was before x

It is true, Time

Well I have finally done all them firsts.

1st christmas, heart-breaking for my mum but we were all there.

1st New-Year, this hit me hard, Emma loved to party and new year was her favourite night of the year, once it got to the count-down my emotions just over-whelmed me and I sobbed like a baby, It came from no where and I just hope not all new years are going to be like that. Part of me feels like it was relief that the worst year of my life was over.

My 30th Birthday Party, I was extremely selfish and said that it was my night not Emmas.......bad I know but I am here and she isnt, its my birthday and my party and I did not want it spoiling I wanted to have fun without feeling guilty.

Emmas Birthday.....This was a lovely day, the whole family went to the beach and had lots of fun. The kids were fab and my daughter made a "sand emma" and wrote a message that said "happy birthday aunty emma, we miss lots, love Rosie" it choked my mum up a bit and when it was time to leave my mum couldnt say good-bye to it. The kids all let off balloons that said happy birthday and we all ate cake....some people think it is bizarre but not us, the kids told us what they wanted to do and we followed.

1st Anniversary.....I went to my mums, I purposely never told the kids and sent them to school as usual....how stupid am I?? Rosie burst into tears at school......At mums there was my mum, sister, brother, dad and Emmas 2 best friends...we all sat and had a natter then went out for lunch. I tried to keep the day as normal as possible and still went to work that evening....but thats me....most people dont even know the shit and crap I deal with on a daily basis just to get myself out of bed. Now this is the weird thing, I felt everything was fine then on the anniversary of the funeral I was in pieces, I really did not expect that and it goes to show that anything can set you off. 

It is true what they say that time does heal, I do believe that it helps but I also dont think anyone saying you will get over it because I hand on heart do not believe you will. With the experience I have had and its not that dissimilar to other people that have lost loved ones to suicide. How can I ever get my head around the fact she sat there on her own and wrote letters knowing she was going to go outside and hang herself, I just cannot believe that she sat there and did that, I know she did I have seen the letters, held them in my hands and checked and double checked the hand-writing. How could she then go outside and tie that piece of rope around her neck and just go?? It is something that cuts me up everyday and hurts like mad. I just wish everyday I had that last chance to say I love you, I am always here for you no matter how hard things are.....but thats never going to happen xxx

Nearly a Year on........

So its been nearly a year since my baby sister took her own life.

In fact it is a year to the day since I last saw her alive, its strange I can just picture her stood in my mums kitchen with a face on......it was a fluke that I saw her that day, I had darts finals night and had to go because our team had won the league, mum had bought tickets for us all to go to dancing on ice the tour and James was going in my place. Unfortunately James was rushed to hospital and Emma took his place....so my two gorgeous children managed to spend a wonderful night with their Aunty Emma which is a great memory for them.

I feel I have turned a corner in my life now and finally getting over this horrible mess, I know at any point I will be knocked side-ways but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. My nanna has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and yes that has thrown me but as usual I dust myself down and pick myself up again.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of my sister but the tears are not as often although when they come they hurt just the same.

Its nearly 6mths since I last wrote my blog and thats testament to the recovery I am making.

GOD BLESS YOU XXXX