Well I have finally done all them firsts.
1st christmas, heart-breaking for my mum but we were all there.
1st New-Year, this hit me hard, Emma loved to party and new year was her favourite night of the year, once it got to the count-down my emotions just over-whelmed me and I sobbed like a baby, It came from no where and I just hope not all new years are going to be like that. Part of me feels like it was relief that the worst year of my life was over.
My 30th Birthday Party, I was extremely selfish and said that it was my night not Emmas.......bad I know but I am here and she isnt, its my birthday and my party and I did not want it spoiling I wanted to have fun without feeling guilty.
Emmas Birthday.....This was a lovely day, the whole family went to the beach and had lots of fun. The kids were fab and my daughter made a "sand emma" and wrote a message that said "happy birthday aunty emma, we miss lots, love Rosie" it choked my mum up a bit and when it was time to leave my mum couldnt say good-bye to it. The kids all let off balloons that said happy birthday and we all ate cake....some people think it is bizarre but not us, the kids told us what they wanted to do and we followed.
1st Anniversary.....I went to my mums, I purposely never told the kids and sent them to school as usual....how stupid am I?? Rosie burst into tears at school......At mums there was my mum, sister, brother, dad and Emmas 2 best friends...we all sat and had a natter then went out for lunch. I tried to keep the day as normal as possible and still went to work that evening....but thats me....most people dont even know the shit and crap I deal with on a daily basis just to get myself out of bed. Now this is the weird thing, I felt everything was fine then on the anniversary of the funeral I was in pieces, I really did not expect that and it goes to show that anything can set you off.
It is true what they say that time does heal, I do believe that it helps but I also dont think anyone saying you will get over it because I hand on heart do not believe you will. With the experience I have had and its not that dissimilar to other people that have lost loved ones to suicide. How can I ever get my head around the fact she sat there on her own and wrote letters knowing she was going to go outside and hang herself, I just cannot believe that she sat there and did that, I know she did I have seen the letters, held them in my hands and checked and double checked the hand-writing. How could she then go outside and tie that piece of rope around her neck and just go?? It is something that cuts me up everyday and hurts like mad. I just wish everyday I had that last chance to say I love you, I am always here for you no matter how hard things are.....but thats never going to happen xxx
1st christmas, heart-breaking for my mum but we were all there.
1st New-Year, this hit me hard, Emma loved to party and new year was her favourite night of the year, once it got to the count-down my emotions just over-whelmed me and I sobbed like a baby, It came from no where and I just hope not all new years are going to be like that. Part of me feels like it was relief that the worst year of my life was over.
My 30th Birthday Party, I was extremely selfish and said that it was my night not Emmas.......bad I know but I am here and she isnt, its my birthday and my party and I did not want it spoiling I wanted to have fun without feeling guilty.
Emmas Birthday.....This was a lovely day, the whole family went to the beach and had lots of fun. The kids were fab and my daughter made a "sand emma" and wrote a message that said "happy birthday aunty emma, we miss lots, love Rosie" it choked my mum up a bit and when it was time to leave my mum couldnt say good-bye to it. The kids all let off balloons that said happy birthday and we all ate cake....some people think it is bizarre but not us, the kids told us what they wanted to do and we followed.
1st Anniversary.....I went to my mums, I purposely never told the kids and sent them to school as usual....how stupid am I?? Rosie burst into tears at school......At mums there was my mum, sister, brother, dad and Emmas 2 best friends...we all sat and had a natter then went out for lunch. I tried to keep the day as normal as possible and still went to work that evening....but thats me....most people dont even know the shit and crap I deal with on a daily basis just to get myself out of bed. Now this is the weird thing, I felt everything was fine then on the anniversary of the funeral I was in pieces, I really did not expect that and it goes to show that anything can set you off.
It is true what they say that time does heal, I do believe that it helps but I also dont think anyone saying you will get over it because I hand on heart do not believe you will. With the experience I have had and its not that dissimilar to other people that have lost loved ones to suicide. How can I ever get my head around the fact she sat there on her own and wrote letters knowing she was going to go outside and hang herself, I just cannot believe that she sat there and did that, I know she did I have seen the letters, held them in my hands and checked and double checked the hand-writing. How could she then go outside and tie that piece of rope around her neck and just go?? It is something that cuts me up everyday and hurts like mad. I just wish everyday I had that last chance to say I love you, I am always here for you no matter how hard things are.....but thats never going to happen xxx
