Well today is classed as a good day.
Me the kids and James went to the forbidden corner and it was great, really enjoyed it.....on the way back we decided to drive through my old childhood hometown of Thirsk, I suggested we got out and have a mooch about, all was going great until we decided to have fish and chips....they are the best from Thirsk.
Just outside the chippy deciding what to buy when someone shouts "claire" I turned round and this woman came striding over....I couldnt place her...she put her arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze and explained she knew Emma.....well unfortuantely I was really rude to her, not because I wanted to be but because so far I had managed to laugh and enjoy the day then this stranger comes over and makes this dark cloud descend over me once more. Luckily for me she took the hint and then a man walking into the chippy tripped on the step and fell and I had to walk away because I was laughing so much.
But then is this worse....eating fish and chips in the middle with the kids and my Uncle Mark and Aunty Claire walk past, just a hello and no inquiry how any of us are doing...I wanted to scream "she was your niece!" Twats!!
Afterwards we went to my mums in Easingwold, this was my real childhood home, sharing and swapping bedrooms was a weekly occurance....mostly nobody wanted to share with me lol. Dad has flagged and gravelled his little front garden and we are turning it into Emmas garden for the kids to plant pots up....I am going to get some spring flowering bulbs for it. I have already got some solar lights and a windmill.
Mum was busy making an Eton Mess for her pudding so me james and the kids scoffed what was left we had a brew then I went upstairs with mum. She showed me some things she had kept of Emmas and also Emmas ashes, I am thinking maybe to bring them home for a while...she always enjoyed stopping here.
Harvey was firing lots of questions to me and my mum about Emma and well it was nice.
In the car on the way back I felt a little teary but then 2 rainbows appeared and the kids were mesmerized....so was I to be honest with you...and instead of tears a smile crept on my face and I thought, thank-you Emma it was just what we needed to see a little beauty and a little magic.
Thank-you Emma xxxx
Friday 19 August 2011
Thursday 18 August 2011
The Guilt
Ok so everyday I wake up and for that lovely time between not quite being awake and not quite being asleep, where you body feels the heaviest, you feel snug and warm and everywhere is still...well thats my favourite time of day....no guilt.
I can forget my sister is dead, I can forget I wasnt the big sister I was supposed to be and I can forget the guilt that follows me like a dark cloud.
Of course I have the guilt of not being able to help, not being able to offer an ear or shoulder. I have the guilt of not ringing on her birthday 4 days previous I just sent a text, I feel guilty for been so wrapped up in my own life and kids not to have noticed....but was there anything to notice??
She was doing great......had a lovely 1 bedroom apartment, it was lush I would of lived there, she had a good job, one she finally felt settled in, her employers loved her, the customers loved her, she had just passed her personal liquor license and was doing so great...she had a girlfriend....so to everyone on the outside she was happy....its only since shes gone that we have found out maybe the girlfriend wasnt so great...so I feel guilt for not acting on my first instinct over a year ago and saying to Emma "look I arent happy with your choice of girlfriend, shes a skank, a druggy, a dirty little scrote" but I never because you seemed happy and who was I to tell you at 25 years old that she wasnt good enough for you.
Its the other guilt thats hurting most at the moment....the guilt of getting on with my life and being able to laugh at a joke, enjoy a day out with the kids, but at the end of everyday I sob myself to sleep.....its the nightmares that are worst, I picture you writing those letters then doing what you did, all alone....you were so strong to do that..but then part of me wants to grab you and shake you and say look at what you have done to us all. I havent told the kids, Emma had an accident as far as they are concerned, how can I tell them that they werent enough to keep her going?
I have recently lost a friend to cancer, he was only young, he had 2 kids and a lovely wife and I feel guilty mourning the loss of my sister when she chose to do it....my friend never chose to die, he would of stayed here if he could of done.....my friends who have lost siblings in accidents how can I ask them for a shoulder to cry on when they know what Emma did.....Their own sisters/brothers never asked to die, never commited suicide they either died of an illness or an accident...how can I cry and pour out my feelings about someone that had a choice?
Thats the worst guilt.......the hiding of my feelings because I dont want people to judge me and then say "well she didnt have to die did she?" No she didnt and god I wish she hadnt.
I dont want to shout at my husband when I feel shit, I dont want to shout at the kids either but I cant help it, thats part of the guilt I feel too....why cant I just get on with things......?
I can forget my sister is dead, I can forget I wasnt the big sister I was supposed to be and I can forget the guilt that follows me like a dark cloud.
Of course I have the guilt of not being able to help, not being able to offer an ear or shoulder. I have the guilt of not ringing on her birthday 4 days previous I just sent a text, I feel guilty for been so wrapped up in my own life and kids not to have noticed....but was there anything to notice??
She was doing great......had a lovely 1 bedroom apartment, it was lush I would of lived there, she had a good job, one she finally felt settled in, her employers loved her, the customers loved her, she had just passed her personal liquor license and was doing so great...she had a girlfriend....so to everyone on the outside she was happy....its only since shes gone that we have found out maybe the girlfriend wasnt so great...so I feel guilt for not acting on my first instinct over a year ago and saying to Emma "look I arent happy with your choice of girlfriend, shes a skank, a druggy, a dirty little scrote" but I never because you seemed happy and who was I to tell you at 25 years old that she wasnt good enough for you.
Its the other guilt thats hurting most at the moment....the guilt of getting on with my life and being able to laugh at a joke, enjoy a day out with the kids, but at the end of everyday I sob myself to sleep.....its the nightmares that are worst, I picture you writing those letters then doing what you did, all alone....you were so strong to do that..but then part of me wants to grab you and shake you and say look at what you have done to us all. I havent told the kids, Emma had an accident as far as they are concerned, how can I tell them that they werent enough to keep her going?
I have recently lost a friend to cancer, he was only young, he had 2 kids and a lovely wife and I feel guilty mourning the loss of my sister when she chose to do it....my friend never chose to die, he would of stayed here if he could of done.....my friends who have lost siblings in accidents how can I ask them for a shoulder to cry on when they know what Emma did.....Their own sisters/brothers never asked to die, never commited suicide they either died of an illness or an accident...how can I cry and pour out my feelings about someone that had a choice?
Thats the worst guilt.......the hiding of my feelings because I dont want people to judge me and then say "well she didnt have to die did she?" No she didnt and god I wish she hadnt.
I dont want to shout at my husband when I feel shit, I dont want to shout at the kids either but I cant help it, thats part of the guilt I feel too....why cant I just get on with things......?
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Hello
Hello everyone
11 weeks ago my gorgeous little sister took her own life, I am still struggling everyday with this and think writing it all down will hopefully help me come to terms with it all.
27th may 1985
I don’t really remember much of this time, except my elder sister Aisha and I were staying ay my nans house and my mum arrived by with my uncle Michael and a little bundle of joy named emma.
She was a tiny dot and caused us nothing but hassle, or hassle as we saw it, we had to stay at nans for over a week because she kept stopping breathing and turning blue so mum didn’t want to be on her own with her. Emmas dad had done a bunk when mum explained she was pregnant, Aisha and I had a different dad but he did clear off when I was six weeks old.
Fast forward 26 years and 4 days.....
Tuesday 31st may 2011
I awoke with that tired feeling, knowing I had to get up, so much to do today and so little time. It was 8.30am when I opened my eyes, we had just got back from a fantastic weekend away in our caravan with our friends. I had so much washing to do, the caravan to clean ready for our next holiday in august and I also had to get the kids up and dressed before 9.15am. I had to go into town to pay money into my bank account, I had a direct debit coming out on the 1st and not enough money in to cover it, my plan of action was to drive into town early because after 10am it’s a pedestrian zone and I would have to bus it otherwise.
Downstairs I wandered, roll a ciggie put the kettle on and was waiting for it to boil when my mobile went off. Thinking it was james I went to answer it and realised it was a number I didn’t recognise….this wasn’t an issue as my phone played up and I had lost all my contacts.
“hello” “please tell me its not true, please tell me its not true” a voice screeched down the phone followed by lots of screaming. Confused I didn’t know who it was or what to do. “who is it and what are you on about?” “its loz and my nanna said theres loads of police and ambulances behind the commercial and emmas killed herself” “calm down loz your not making sense have you spoke to my mum?” “your mums mobile is off and I don’t think she knows” “where are you?” “im with my aunty” “ok I will ring you back”
With that I hung up the phone and began to shake, loz was my sisters girlfriend and this seemed very bizarre. I then made one of the worst phone calls of my life.
“hiya mum its only me erm have you heard off loz or emma?” “no why” “well I have just had loz on the phone hysterical saying emmas killed herself and well I don’t know what to do?” “no never not emma, well I am telling you now if shes making it up as some sick joke I will personally kick her head in” “mum I don’t know what to do are you gonna go and walk down and see?” “I will ring emmas phone and get back to you, you ring the pub and see if you can find out”
I was physically shaking now and cold, my hands wouldn’t do as they were told I got online and looked the pubs phone number up, tentatively I dialled the number “hello the commercial” “hi can you help me is there loads of police and ambulances round the back?” “yeah why?” “oh god, my names Claire and I am emmas sister I am stuck in York and have heard rumours emmas done something is it true?” “look I cant say the police have said I cant say” “please I am her sister I live 20 miles away if its my sister I have a right to know!” “hey im just the chef, I have been told to go home for the day, I am really sorry I arent allowed to say” “please” “all I can say is that I am so sorry”
With that I hung up the phone and called my mum back “hello” “mum it is emma” I then went on to describe my phone call to her, she still didn’t believe it, I told her I would get there as soon as I could.
My two bundles of joy appeared in the living room full of sunshine and happiness I had to go in the garden to phone my husband, I still to this day don’t remember the convesation just the scream that left my lips and the trembling as my whole body shook. I threw on some clothes not brushing my hair, teeth or applying deoderant.
As soon as james came in I went to say good-bye to the kids, lying and saying I had a hospital appointment.
The car journey seemed to take forever, every light was on red, I phoned my mum again to tell her I was on my way “the police have pulled up Claire! I cant answer the door, I cant do it help me” that phrase will play over and over in my mind forever.
11 weeks ago my gorgeous little sister took her own life, I am still struggling everyday with this and think writing it all down will hopefully help me come to terms with it all.
27th may 1985
I don’t really remember much of this time, except my elder sister Aisha and I were staying ay my nans house and my mum arrived by with my uncle Michael and a little bundle of joy named emma.
She was a tiny dot and caused us nothing but hassle, or hassle as we saw it, we had to stay at nans for over a week because she kept stopping breathing and turning blue so mum didn’t want to be on her own with her. Emmas dad had done a bunk when mum explained she was pregnant, Aisha and I had a different dad but he did clear off when I was six weeks old.
Fast forward 26 years and 4 days.....
Tuesday 31st may 2011
I awoke with that tired feeling, knowing I had to get up, so much to do today and so little time. It was 8.30am when I opened my eyes, we had just got back from a fantastic weekend away in our caravan with our friends. I had so much washing to do, the caravan to clean ready for our next holiday in august and I also had to get the kids up and dressed before 9.15am. I had to go into town to pay money into my bank account, I had a direct debit coming out on the 1st and not enough money in to cover it, my plan of action was to drive into town early because after 10am it’s a pedestrian zone and I would have to bus it otherwise.
Downstairs I wandered, roll a ciggie put the kettle on and was waiting for it to boil when my mobile went off. Thinking it was james I went to answer it and realised it was a number I didn’t recognise….this wasn’t an issue as my phone played up and I had lost all my contacts.
“hello” “please tell me its not true, please tell me its not true” a voice screeched down the phone followed by lots of screaming. Confused I didn’t know who it was or what to do. “who is it and what are you on about?” “its loz and my nanna said theres loads of police and ambulances behind the commercial and emmas killed herself” “calm down loz your not making sense have you spoke to my mum?” “your mums mobile is off and I don’t think she knows” “where are you?” “im with my aunty” “ok I will ring you back”
With that I hung up the phone and began to shake, loz was my sisters girlfriend and this seemed very bizarre. I then made one of the worst phone calls of my life.
“hiya mum its only me erm have you heard off loz or emma?” “no why” “well I have just had loz on the phone hysterical saying emmas killed herself and well I don’t know what to do?” “no never not emma, well I am telling you now if shes making it up as some sick joke I will personally kick her head in” “mum I don’t know what to do are you gonna go and walk down and see?” “I will ring emmas phone and get back to you, you ring the pub and see if you can find out”
I was physically shaking now and cold, my hands wouldn’t do as they were told I got online and looked the pubs phone number up, tentatively I dialled the number “hello the commercial” “hi can you help me is there loads of police and ambulances round the back?” “yeah why?” “oh god, my names Claire and I am emmas sister I am stuck in York and have heard rumours emmas done something is it true?” “look I cant say the police have said I cant say” “please I am her sister I live 20 miles away if its my sister I have a right to know!” “hey im just the chef, I have been told to go home for the day, I am really sorry I arent allowed to say” “please” “all I can say is that I am so sorry”
With that I hung up the phone and called my mum back “hello” “mum it is emma” I then went on to describe my phone call to her, she still didn’t believe it, I told her I would get there as soon as I could.
My two bundles of joy appeared in the living room full of sunshine and happiness I had to go in the garden to phone my husband, I still to this day don’t remember the convesation just the scream that left my lips and the trembling as my whole body shook. I threw on some clothes not brushing my hair, teeth or applying deoderant.
As soon as james came in I went to say good-bye to the kids, lying and saying I had a hospital appointment.
The car journey seemed to take forever, every light was on red, I phoned my mum again to tell her I was on my way “the police have pulled up Claire! I cant answer the door, I cant do it help me” that phrase will play over and over in my mind forever.
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