I have been told I have changed.....??
I dont think I have, I just believe that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.
Yes these last 3 days I have cried and cried but to be honest thats not the grief its just me having a few bad days. What I do best is "take to me bed" which means when I feel down I sleep and sleep and sleep...no easy feat with 2 kids.
Maybe its because I am laughing again, I do have the confidence that I had before I had 2 kids got fat and then lost my sister.
Its hard to explain but having children change your life completely, by that I mean its not about me anymore its about their welfare their happiness.
I had a really bad time with my little boy, he nearly died during birth and I cherish him so much, then he was horrid he cried 24hrs a day, was poorly all the time and always sick. Even now he can come down with a mystery illness the doctors cant explain and he ends up in hospital on drips and things, its hard going but he always pulls through. The girl is great extremely clever and has a wicked sense of humour no worries there about her.
Sometimes I just feel I am being pulled in all these directions and one day something is going to snap. The kids are wonderful and I wouldnt be without them but I am me now not just so and so's mum. My husband is pulling me into a life of domestic goddess and thats not me I left home not knowing how to iron clothes or use a washing machine....should of seen the early signs with his OCD. At work I cant have a bad day, barmaids are there for everyones elses problems we as professionals cant have a little cry in the toilets or be moody always got to be smiling and laughing. Then theres my friends that want so much of me when I just want to hide away from it all. My mum is different all she wants to do is bring every conversation around to Emma, and I love my sister dearly but I just dont even want to ring my mum nowadays because of that.
My best friend has MS and has got cancer too, I am trying my hardest to help her take her to treatment and be as supportive as possible but I just find it hard to talk and be reassuring when I am scared to death she is going to die too.
I have just seen so much heart-ache this last 18mths that I want to have fun and laugh again and I am and then wham....a panic attack whilst I am driving that sets me back weeks because I am then scared to go out.
What I am trying to say is that I am living my life to the full because you dont know whats around the corner....depending on what you call full....I arent jumping out of aeroplanes or anything like that but I am grabbing every moment of fun and smiles as I can. The kids dont need to grow up in a house of sorrow and morbidness they need laughter and silly mummy back. There is a difference between being a responsible parent and an irresponsible...yes I do dance round the kitchen, yes I do have the odd drink but not to the point where my children are in any danger.
Apparently I have changed for the bad but I think thats other peoples needs not mine. Yes I am acting like a 17yr old but so what I work, I pay the bills the children are clean well fed and homework done, I am here every night to tuck them into bed, I arent out clubbing and being a dick I am just being me and people seem to have forgot who I was before x
I dont think I have, I just believe that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.
Yes these last 3 days I have cried and cried but to be honest thats not the grief its just me having a few bad days. What I do best is "take to me bed" which means when I feel down I sleep and sleep and sleep...no easy feat with 2 kids.
Maybe its because I am laughing again, I do have the confidence that I had before I had 2 kids got fat and then lost my sister.
Its hard to explain but having children change your life completely, by that I mean its not about me anymore its about their welfare their happiness.
I had a really bad time with my little boy, he nearly died during birth and I cherish him so much, then he was horrid he cried 24hrs a day, was poorly all the time and always sick. Even now he can come down with a mystery illness the doctors cant explain and he ends up in hospital on drips and things, its hard going but he always pulls through. The girl is great extremely clever and has a wicked sense of humour no worries there about her.
Sometimes I just feel I am being pulled in all these directions and one day something is going to snap. The kids are wonderful and I wouldnt be without them but I am me now not just so and so's mum. My husband is pulling me into a life of domestic goddess and thats not me I left home not knowing how to iron clothes or use a washing machine....should of seen the early signs with his OCD. At work I cant have a bad day, barmaids are there for everyones elses problems we as professionals cant have a little cry in the toilets or be moody always got to be smiling and laughing. Then theres my friends that want so much of me when I just want to hide away from it all. My mum is different all she wants to do is bring every conversation around to Emma, and I love my sister dearly but I just dont even want to ring my mum nowadays because of that.
My best friend has MS and has got cancer too, I am trying my hardest to help her take her to treatment and be as supportive as possible but I just find it hard to talk and be reassuring when I am scared to death she is going to die too.
I have just seen so much heart-ache this last 18mths that I want to have fun and laugh again and I am and then wham....a panic attack whilst I am driving that sets me back weeks because I am then scared to go out.
What I am trying to say is that I am living my life to the full because you dont know whats around the corner....depending on what you call full....I arent jumping out of aeroplanes or anything like that but I am grabbing every moment of fun and smiles as I can. The kids dont need to grow up in a house of sorrow and morbidness they need laughter and silly mummy back. There is a difference between being a responsible parent and an irresponsible...yes I do dance round the kitchen, yes I do have the odd drink but not to the point where my children are in any danger.
Apparently I have changed for the bad but I think thats other peoples needs not mine. Yes I am acting like a 17yr old but so what I work, I pay the bills the children are clean well fed and homework done, I am here every night to tuck them into bed, I arent out clubbing and being a dick I am just being me and people seem to have forgot who I was before x
