Winning the Lottery

Spoke to my mum today on the phone, it is quite a regular occurrence, and as usual we got talking about Emma.
I dont mind, sometimes I want to shout "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME!" maybe that is me being selfish, but along with Emma my mum also has me, my elder sister and younger brother, along with four gorgeous grand-kids.
I was saying how I need to win the lottery and my mum said she really didnt ever want to win it.
I found that such a bizarre thing to say but then she explained it was because she would always wonder if she had won it earlier would Emma still be here?
At first I was a little perplexed by this comment because everybody wants to win the lottery, I know money doesnt buy happiness but it bloody well helps.
But then it was like the question I was asked at the doctors the other day, I went due to bloatedness and all that guff and I asked to be put on the waiting list to be sterilised. The doctor asked me did I want anymore children and if not why?
So I explained that I could not bare to bring another child into this world knowing that they would never meet their Aunty Emma and not benefit from all the love she shared between her niece and three nephews.  
I have also been told I may have cysts on my ovaries due to the contraception I use so I now have to find another form of contraception and hope the cysts disappear, if not its hospital job for me :(
But certain questions make you take stock of your life, I was asked would I move back to my old town of Easingwold. The clear answer is NO!! yes all my family are there but do I really want to bring my children up in a place that is so full of prejudice 3 people took their own lives in the space of a month, and the bottom line with that is because they didnt fit in. I was lucky, I did sort of "fit in" I had a gob and I didnt care if people laughed, they either got used to me or got f****d. But I arent inflicting that on my kids, its bad enough now for them. My 7yr old daughter plays dolls with her best friend who is 9yrs old....But when they play out they have to pretend they dont play dolls or teachers or mums and dads and all they were doing was listening to music or playing on the laptop.......society is wrong and it scares the shit out of me.....I worry every day now about people I know.....I get gut feelings and have to txt and ring round making sure everyone and everything is ok.....really all I am trying to say is I want some normality...and does that exist now??? 

what the inquest was really like

So we had the inquest, it was very surreal, firstly waiting to go in having a fag and taking lots of deep breaths we see another family from Easingwold....unfortunately 3 weeks previous to Emma taking her life another man from the town took his own life and well his family walked out.....we all knew why we were there but still words stuck in my throat, and i took the cowards way out and turned my back rather than speak.
So we get ushered into the waiting area, 2 lovely sea blue leather sofas....mmmmmmm nice, so i made some lame joke about how nice they were....but thats just me humour to hide my turmoil.
We were all there the family and my husband who came for support and well he genuinely loved Emma, then there was Hannah, she was the last to see Emma before she died with her and Emmas boss michael. And sat in the corner weeping and carrying on was Emmas girlfriend and her nanna.
The lady assisting the coroner came out and explained that my mum couldnt read her statement, so I made some comment about it being her legal right, it didnt go down well, and she was chatting away to my mum and another family walked out of the court room. 2days after Emma died an old bloke shot himself, he was riddled with cancer and couldnt face life anymore, it was so tragic, he also lived in Easingwold.
You would of thought with Easingwold being such a small market town where everyone knows your business that they would of put some thought into the timings of the inquests so there were no embarrassment on anyones part or awkwardness.
The lady then took Hannah, Micheal, the girlfriend and her nanna in, then came out for us.....suddenly we were faced with them on one side of the court room and us on the other, very them and us....very unfair and uncomfortable. Surely they knew from telephone calls and interviews that there was ill feeling between the family and the girlfriend.
So the room was like a court room, 3 journalists were sat there pen in hand poised to take notes, It opened with all the exepected stuff, Emmas full name, address, date of birth, date of death, description of time etc etc etc.
Hannah was called 1st and was so brave, she faced the girlfriend and told her exactly what Emma had said that night....that she needed a break from her, she was being suffocated and that everytime she tried to break up with her the girlfriend threatened to kill herself.
Now for Hannah to do that is amazing, she is so brave because the girlfriend had pulled a knife on her the week before and threatened her and said if she said owt bad at the inquest she would kill her...so brave.
Then it was the girlfriends turn, she sobbed, wailed and basically made a show of herself...we were allowed to ask her questions and I asked her about the drugs she supposedly found in Emmas flat after Emma died.
The coroner produced the photographs of the flat and proved she lied.
She also lied about other stuff and Hannah at one point shouted "fucking lying bitch"
A reporter had fallen asleep but he soon woke up in the fracas of me shouting and the girlfriend shouting back, I also shouted at the coroner......but I got what i want for my mum, proof that she had lied to us, the police and the coroners office....thats all i wanted.
Now its 2 weeks after I am regretting not asking what was on her facebook that my sister was logged into 2hrs before her death that might of tipped my happy little sister over the edge.....but the lying bit was far more important at the time.
My mum then got up and was questioned, but he was lovely with her, really kind.
The verdict was killed herself, I know that no matter what happens now the verdict cannot be changed, but if only they had investigated further our minds would be a little bit more peaceful.
But no matter what my life is going to be full of questions.......
The press did report the inquest, but got it wrong, i told them it was wrong but no apology as of yet, we will see if theres one forthcoming but i doubt it.
They quoted Emmas suicide letter, but it was never read out, and also recorded a verdict of suicide which was wrong too.
I commented on this fact in the paper, and got abuse for it. Nice
HERES THE LINK http://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/9243594.Woman__26__found_hanging_at_pub/