Spoke to my mum today on the phone, it is quite a regular occurrence, and as usual we got talking about Emma.
I dont mind, sometimes I want to shout "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME!" maybe that is me being selfish, but along with Emma my mum also has me, my elder sister and younger brother, along with four gorgeous grand-kids.
I was saying how I need to win the lottery and my mum said she really didnt ever want to win it.
I found that such a bizarre thing to say but then she explained it was because she would always wonder if she had won it earlier would Emma still be here?
At first I was a little perplexed by this comment because everybody wants to win the lottery, I know money doesnt buy happiness but it bloody well helps.
But then it was like the question I was asked at the doctors the other day, I went due to bloatedness and all that guff and I asked to be put on the waiting list to be sterilised. The doctor asked me did I want anymore children and if not why?
So I explained that I could not bare to bring another child into this world knowing that they would never meet their Aunty Emma and not benefit from all the love she shared between her niece and three nephews.
I have also been told I may have cysts on my ovaries due to the contraception I use so I now have to find another form of contraception and hope the cysts disappear, if not its hospital job for me :(
But certain questions make you take stock of your life, I was asked would I move back to my old town of Easingwold. The clear answer is NO!! yes all my family are there but do I really want to bring my children up in a place that is so full of prejudice 3 people took their own lives in the space of a month, and the bottom line with that is because they didnt fit in. I was lucky, I did sort of "fit in" I had a gob and I didnt care if people laughed, they either got used to me or got f****d. But I arent inflicting that on my kids, its bad enough now for them. My 7yr old daughter plays dolls with her best friend who is 9yrs old....But when they play out they have to pretend they dont play dolls or teachers or mums and dads and all they were doing was listening to music or playing on the laptop.......society is wrong and it scares the shit out of me.....I worry every day now about people I know.....I get gut feelings and have to txt and ring round making sure everyone and everything is ok.....really all I am trying to say is I want some normality...and does that exist now???
I dont mind, sometimes I want to shout "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME!" maybe that is me being selfish, but along with Emma my mum also has me, my elder sister and younger brother, along with four gorgeous grand-kids.
I was saying how I need to win the lottery and my mum said she really didnt ever want to win it.
I found that such a bizarre thing to say but then she explained it was because she would always wonder if she had won it earlier would Emma still be here?
At first I was a little perplexed by this comment because everybody wants to win the lottery, I know money doesnt buy happiness but it bloody well helps.
But then it was like the question I was asked at the doctors the other day, I went due to bloatedness and all that guff and I asked to be put on the waiting list to be sterilised. The doctor asked me did I want anymore children and if not why?
So I explained that I could not bare to bring another child into this world knowing that they would never meet their Aunty Emma and not benefit from all the love she shared between her niece and three nephews.
I have also been told I may have cysts on my ovaries due to the contraception I use so I now have to find another form of contraception and hope the cysts disappear, if not its hospital job for me :(
But certain questions make you take stock of your life, I was asked would I move back to my old town of Easingwold. The clear answer is NO!! yes all my family are there but do I really want to bring my children up in a place that is so full of prejudice 3 people took their own lives in the space of a month, and the bottom line with that is because they didnt fit in. I was lucky, I did sort of "fit in" I had a gob and I didnt care if people laughed, they either got used to me or got f****d. But I arent inflicting that on my kids, its bad enough now for them. My 7yr old daughter plays dolls with her best friend who is 9yrs old....But when they play out they have to pretend they dont play dolls or teachers or mums and dads and all they were doing was listening to music or playing on the laptop.......society is wrong and it scares the shit out of me.....I worry every day now about people I know.....I get gut feelings and have to txt and ring round making sure everyone and everything is ok.....really all I am trying to say is I want some normality...and does that exist now???
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