The Guilt

Ok so everyday I wake up and for that lovely time between not quite being awake and not quite being asleep, where you body feels the heaviest, you feel snug and warm and everywhere is still...well thats my favourite time of day....no guilt.
 I can forget my sister is dead, I can forget I wasnt the big sister I was supposed to be and I can forget the guilt that follows me like a dark cloud.
Of course I have the guilt of not being able to help, not being able to offer an ear or shoulder. I have the guilt of not ringing on her birthday 4 days previous I just sent a text, I feel guilty for been so wrapped up in my own life and kids not to have noticed....but was there anything to notice??
She was doing great......had a lovely 1 bedroom apartment, it was lush I would of lived there, she had a good job, one she finally felt settled in, her employers loved her, the customers loved her, she had just passed her personal liquor license and was doing so great...she had a girlfriend....so to everyone on the outside she was happy....its only since shes gone that we have found out maybe the girlfriend wasnt so great...so I feel guilt for not acting on my first instinct over a year ago and saying to Emma "look I arent happy with your choice of girlfriend, shes a skank, a druggy, a dirty little scrote" but I never because you seemed happy and who was I to tell you at 25 years old that she wasnt good enough for you.
Its the other guilt thats hurting most at the moment....the guilt of getting on with my life and being able to laugh at a joke, enjoy a day out with the kids, but at the end of everyday I sob myself to sleep.....its the nightmares that are worst, I picture you writing those letters then doing what you did, all alone....you were so strong to do that..but then part of me wants to grab you and shake you and say look at what you have done to us all. I havent told the kids, Emma had an accident as far as they are concerned, how can I tell them that they werent enough to keep her going?
I have recently lost a friend to cancer, he was only young, he had 2 kids and a lovely wife and I feel guilty mourning the loss of my sister when she chose to do it....my friend never chose to die, he would of stayed here if he could of done.....my friends who have lost siblings in accidents how can I ask them for a shoulder to cry on when they know what Emma did.....Their own sisters/brothers never asked to die, never commited suicide they either died of an illness or an accident...how can I cry and pour out my feelings about someone that had a choice?
Thats the worst guilt.......the hiding of my feelings because I dont want people to judge me and then say "well she didnt have to die did she?" No she didnt and god I wish she hadnt.
I dont want to shout at my husband when I feel shit, I dont want to shout at the kids either but I cant help it, thats part of the guilt I feel too....why cant I just get on with things......?