Hello

Hello everyone
11 weeks ago my gorgeous little sister took her own life, I am still struggling everyday with this and think writing it all down will hopefully help me come to terms with it all.


27th may 1985
I don’t really remember much of this time, except my elder sister Aisha and I were staying ay my nans house and my mum arrived by with my uncle Michael and a little bundle of joy named emma.
She was a tiny dot and caused us nothing but hassle, or hassle as we saw it, we had to stay at nans for over a week because she kept stopping breathing and turning blue so mum didn’t want to be on her own with her. Emmas dad had done a bunk when mum explained she was pregnant, Aisha and I had a different dad but he did clear off when I was six weeks old.

Fast forward 26 years and 4 days.....



Tuesday 31st may 2011

I awoke with that tired feeling, knowing I had to get up, so much to do today and so little time. It was 8.30am when I opened my eyes, we had just got back from a fantastic weekend away in our caravan with our friends. I had so much washing to do, the caravan to clean ready for our next holiday in august and I also had to get the kids up and dressed before 9.15am. I had to go into town to pay money into my bank account, I had a direct debit coming out on the 1st and not enough money in to cover it, my plan of action was to drive into town early because after 10am it’s a pedestrian zone and I would have to bus it otherwise.
Downstairs I wandered, roll a ciggie put the kettle on and was waiting for it to boil when my mobile went off. Thinking it was james I went to answer it and realised it was a number I didn’t recognise….this wasn’t an issue as my phone played up and I had lost all my contacts.
“hello” “please tell me its not true, please tell me its not true” a voice screeched down the phone followed by lots of screaming. Confused I didn’t know who it was or what to do. “who is it and what are you on about?” “its loz and my nanna said theres loads of police and ambulances behind the commercial and emmas killed herself” “calm down loz your not making sense have you spoke to my mum?” “your mums mobile is off and I don’t think she knows” “where are you?” “im with my aunty” “ok I will ring you back”
With that I hung up the phone and began to shake, loz was my sisters girlfriend and this seemed very bizarre. I then made one of the worst phone calls of my life.
“hiya mum its only me erm have you heard off loz or emma?” “no why” “well I have just had loz on the phone hysterical saying emmas killed herself and well I don’t know what to do?” “no never not emma, well I am telling you now if shes making it up as some sick joke I will personally kick her head in” “mum I don’t know what to do are you gonna go and walk down and see?” “I will ring emmas phone and get back to you, you ring the pub and see if you can find out”
I was physically shaking now and cold, my hands wouldn’t do as they were told I got online and looked the pubs phone number up, tentatively I dialled the number “hello the commercial” “hi can you help me is there loads of police and ambulances round the back?” “yeah why?” “oh god, my names Claire and I am emmas sister I am stuck in York and have heard rumours emmas done something is it true?” “look I cant say the police have said I cant say” “please I am her sister I live 20 miles away if its my sister I have a right to know!” “hey im just the chef, I have been told to go home for the day, I am really sorry I arent allowed to say” “please” “all I can say is that I am so sorry”
With that I hung up the phone and called my mum back “hello” “mum it is emma” I then went on to describe my phone call to her, she still didn’t believe it, I told her I would get there as soon as I could.
My two bundles of joy appeared in the living room full of sunshine and happiness I had to go in the garden to phone my husband, I still to this day don’t remember the convesation just the scream that left my lips and the trembling as my whole body shook. I threw on some clothes not brushing my hair, teeth or applying deoderant.
As soon as james came in I went to say good-bye to the kids, lying and saying I had a hospital appointment.
The car journey seemed to take forever, every light was on red, I phoned my mum again to tell her I was on my way “the police have pulled up Claire! I cant answer the door, I cant do it help me” that phrase will play over and over in my mind forever.